There It Sits

And there it sits, in the middle of the room. It has occupied that space for nearly 17 years. It’s huge. It’s been indestructible. It has even moved as my parents have changed residences. It’s not the type you admire from afar for its large, strong stature. It’s the type we don’t talk about because it’s just better that way. It’s the type you just want out. It leaves me wondering and keeps me questioning.

Where will he lie his head tonight?
Will he be warm and safe from the conditions?
Is that him, walking down the street, with no place to go?
 Will he ever escape the hold?

Will I ever enjoy his sense of humor again?
Will we be blessed with the person we know is inside?
Will my children always be robbed of a kind, caring uncle?
When will I stop lying to my kids about his whereabouts?
Will he ever meet his newest niece and any more to come?

Will we ever celebrate his accomplishments in life?
Will he share his life with a beautiful bride and children?
Will he be a contributor to society in some way?

Will my mom live to see him happy and healthy?
Will my dad ever rid of the anger?

Though attempts have been made, it has never left. There it sits, in the middle of the room. It occupies space, time, money, sadness, frustration, aggravation, fear, and anger. It sucks energy and life from you, and slaps you right in the face at the slightest hint of well-being. It’s the big elephant in the room. It’s addiction.

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25 thoughts on “There It Sits

  1. This is my first slice to read for the day and I think I might be done after this one. This is so masterfully crafted Angela! I was trying to figure out what you were writing about and like a dunce I was thinking furniture. It didn’t take long for my heart to start breaking about two lines in. So so so well done and something that can relate to so many.

  2. Angela, oh my GOD, this is absolutely touching and holds so much emotion. You are right. It does affect so many, I thought furniture at first myself. It’s so real and so raw.

  3. You really put it all out there with this one. It isn’t easy feeling open and vulnerable, is it? What I’ve learned this past month as I read slice after slice is that this process of writing can be healing, as difficult as it is to actually say the words. By speaking these words for all to see and know, I hope you find it a little easier to cope with this challenge in your life. And you thought you couldn’t write!!!!!

    1. I feel the hardest part is putting it out there, hoping people won’t judge. But, if it can help someone else know they are not alone, it was all worth it. it’s been a tough 17 years, just hoping it gets better. Thanks for your kind words!

  4. Wow, Angela- this piece is a masterpiece. So well crafted, so much emotion. an introduction that brings you right in and insists you keep on reading and wondering.

      1. Angela, this was such a well-crafted piece- your use of intentional vagueness in the beginning really had me guessing, and then the barrage of specific questions was such an effective way to convey the range of feelings you have about your brother. You have written about a very personal and difficult subject with such honesty. I admire your strength and courage as a person and as a writer.

      2. Thanks so much Hakimah! I appreciate your kind words and thoughtful comments. I know I am not the only one who struggles and just hope that through my writing, others won’t feel so alone.

  5. As I read your slice I thought about what a strong woman you are. Yesterday you wrote about your sister. Today, your brother. Siblings that can be so different from one another, right? We could all learn how to deal with this heart wrenching family situation from you. You have grown up figuring it all out. One of the things that hit me the most – was how you wonder if you are seeing him walking down the street. It must be so hard to see someone you love going through such torture.

    1. Omg Carrie- your comment has me in tears. What a nice comment! So thoughtful, so specific, so kind. Thanks! It’s people like you and the others who have read this that help make this a little easier! Thanks for being a good friend!

  6. You are so brave and strong and masterful to write like this. Unfortunately, I know your pain. It’s like we are all a part of a club no one wants to join or admit to belonging.

  7. Angela, this was such a powerful piece. I have read it several times trying to figure out how to tell you how amazing it is. You are such a fantastic writer. I know how hard it can be to write through painful experiences and it is my hope that someday this will be just that- a painful memory. You have a true gift. I was deeply invested in this Slice from the beginning.

  8. Wow. This is hard. Grudges, anger and family stuff is so hard and it eats away. This slice needs to sit with me. I feel for you. Been there and it’s hard to be in the middle waiting.

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