Guilty

I did it. There, I did it.  I did it!  YES, I DID IT!!!

I feel horrible.  Dirty. Ashamed. Weak. Disappointed. EMBARRASSED!

The guilt is overwhelming.  I thought about it before I made my decision, but I still did it.

I loved every minute of it!  It was so good!  Made me happy, for the moment anyway.

It was after 8 pm yesterday, I hadn’t eaten a solid meal during the day.  Why you ask?  Well, because my weight has been creeping, who am I kidding – not creeping, sprinting up the scale.  I so badly want to go to the Dr. and hear her say I have an underactive thyroid which would explain everything.  But, I tried that last year and it didn’t work.  Damn it!  So now I am blaming it on the whole menopause deal. Yes, I do realize I am only 36 – yes only! However, I was blessed with the early menopause gene from my mom’s family.  Thanks Mom!  My mom, her sisters and my cousin have all delved into the wide world o’menopause at about the age of 37.  Holy heck, just 5 months away, I can’t contain the excitement.  I get to start this early and it lasts for 10+ years…SH#T!! You know what they say about weight gain, the age of 40, menopause…you are SCREWED!

Sorry, I got off topic.  I had some snacks and these amazing smoothies I have been making during the day, but it definitely wasn’t enough to fill me up. So I am riding home at 8 pm thinking about how hungry I was, though the funny thing was – I wasn’t really hungry – I just knew I hadn’t eaten much all day and have been thinking about food. I talked myself into being hungry.  My thoughts drifted to what fast food chains I would pass on the way home. The first that came to mind, only because it was closest, was White Castle.  White Castle.  Really?  I haven’t had White Castle in years, though I started dreaming of that distinct flavor they have and again talked myself into really wanting it. “Two cheeseburgers with no onion and ketchup please.”

I’d like to say I savored every moment of those 2 little, square burgers with the pickles and ketchup, but I would be lying.  I had both of them down in less than a minute.  Yup, less than a minute.  So now you are thinking, “not too bad, only 2, what are you so worked up about?” It really has more to do with the fact that I came home, cooked a frozen pizza and ate 2/3 of it.  Do you remember me saying I wasn’t even hungry?  Wow!

But wait…that’s not all.  I HAD to finish it off with something sweet and since I gave up chocolate for lent, I was forced to turn to other alternatives.  I had vanilla ice cream in the fridge.  BINGO!  I love ice cream cones. That’s an understatement, I LOVE ICE CREAM CONES!!! I love food!  I LOVE food!  I LOVE FOOD!!! As a result, I eat way too much, think about food constantly and could previously eat what I wanted.  But now this body is saying, “No, nuh uh, no you didn’t!” I have to get ahold of myself here.  I will be unrecognizable soon.

Overindulgence is never a good thing, NEVER!!!

I did it. There, I did it.  I did it!  YES, I DID IT!!!

I feel horrible.  Dirty. Ashamed. Weak. Disappointed. EMBARRASSED!

The guilt is overwhelming.  I thought about it before I made my decision, but I still did it.

But…I loved every minute of it!  It was so good!  Made me happy, for the moment anyway.

Though…If this is the biggest problem in my life…I am in GOOD shape.  Chunky maybe, but in GOOD shape! 🙂

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19 thoughts on “Guilty

  1. Oh Angela. We’ve all been there. The only thing is I think I’m there once a week. Those moments where you don’t even realize you’ve eaten 3 slices past what you needed to eat. Sometimes you just need to. And we all need to stop beating ourselves up. And chunky? Not so much. BTW, I really like your beginning. I couldn’t wait to find out what in the world you did

  2. I solo enjoyed reading this! I smiled all the way, and think we might be “kindred spirits”. Don’t give up. Keep at it. And we ARE good – chunky or not 🙂

  3. Your lead pulled me in, and I just had to read more! I like that you used your slice as a confessional. 🙂 I’ve been having the same issue lately. Wanting to lose a few pounds fast, I started cutting carbs, sweet drinks, dairy…but I found that the more I denied myself, the more I wanted to eat. I ended up eating more than I normally would have. Ugh, diets are the worst!

  4. Oh my little, petite friend. You exercise so much. You can do this. Your writing is also so compelling. Fun slice to read…..and very true. You really do think about food all the time!

  5. Food is life. Yup. All the way. I love your structure. It reads a little frenzied which fits so perfectly with that feeling I know so well. The guilt after the bite.

  6. Such a fun slice to read! I know your feeling only too well. I came from the same type of gene also. It’s a struggle, and not always a winning battle. But you need to give in once in awhile before barging forward.

  7. I have no self-control when it comes to food. None. I would have snatched those white castles from your hands and shoved them in my mouth. lol.
    i struggle with my weight so much. it’s horrible.
    now i’m hungry….

  8. Ohhhhh! White Castle! So good going down, so bad going…well you know. I love this slice of pizza, I mean of your life. This was so delicious, I mean exciting to read! Life is too short. Enjoy yourself!

  9. Loved it! Your introduction completely drew me in. I am the same way. I can eat so well all day long and then… night creeps in, and it all falls apart! Great Slice!

  10. So funny and so honest! We’ve all been there. I baked last night because I was so desperate for some chocolate goodness, then had to take some to school to share today so I wouldn’t eat them all.

  11. I’m sort of glad that you splurged! I was so hungry for you reading the first half. I always keep Dove chocolates stashed in my desks. There’s nothing meaner than a hungry teacher especially in need of sugar fix. I keep a banana with me at all times even though I hate bananas. Weight maintaining post-baby and early menopause? I feel for you!

  12. This was so fun to read from beginning to end! To even have the urge for White Castles before 2am cracks me up because I’ve been there! You get this feeling like you’re breaking the law! Such a fun slice, now time for my own next binge!

  13. I think I vaguely remember reading something, about someone, that was unsure about this whole writing just to write thing…..Welcome to the other side, you have officially been converted. Love the voice evoked through well chosen words!

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