Broken Repairwoman 

I lay quietly and weep silent tears. 

I know of her unhappiness, stress, and anxiety, and I cannot help her. 

I know of his inability to effectively communicate, demonstrate his love,  and relinquish control, and I cannot help him.

I know of his demons, his troubles, and his uncanning ability to help others when he’s at his best, and I cannot help him.

I know she is young, in need of attention, and must be guided with care, but I cannot help her.

I know she is impressionable, longs for my approval, and is always trying her best, but I cannot help her.

I know he should be treated with more patience, kindness, and showered with love, but I cannot help him. 

I lay quietly and weep silent tears. 

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Happy St. Birth Day!

St. Patrick’s Day has never really been a big deal to me for several reasons:

1 – I don’t drink much.

2 – I detest beer.

3 – I don’t enjoy corned beef and cabbage.

4 – My dad told me to never admit I was Irish. (yes…he’s Italian)

However, when St. Patrick’s Day creeps upon us annually I am reminded that it is my Hispanic friend’s birthday. Unlike my dad, Consuelo (Connie) doesn’t think twice about putting her heritage aside to celebrate the Irish tradition.

Connie was my suitemate in college. Our rooms were connected via a bathroom. A bathroom that may have caused a rocky start to our nearly 22-year friendship.

Naturally one would assume that…
one of us was perhaps a little cleaner than the other.
NOPE! That wasn’t it!
In fact, our bathroom was cleaned at least twice a week and many times with straight-up bleach because we were clean freaks.

one of us might have had a rough night and left the bathroom a disaster.
NOPE! That wasn’t it!
That never happened – not even once.

one of us monopolized bathroom time.
NOPE! That wasn’t it!
We had our own sink in our rooms which eliminated that problem.

So what was the problem, you ask?

Well, maybe – just maybe – one of us forgot to unlock the other’s bathroom door after use. This made it impossible for the other to use the bathroom. And, maybe – just maybe – one of us was trying to teach the other one a lesson by “forgetting” to unlock her door. And maybe – just maybe – this happened more than once, because both of us were determined to WIN the war. Our poor roommates!

But, you will be happy to know that we both WON because we both matured a bit, stayed friends, and will be friends until our dying days. With her living in California and me in Illinois, we continue to maintain our close friendship. We are always there for one another in good times and in bad. We have shared many laughs, tears, celebrations, sorrows, and countless hours of conversation.

For Connie I will always be grateful!

I love her competitive spirit. Although I may not have appreciated it freshman year.

I love her positivity. She makes lemonade out of lemons.

I love her tenacity. There is never a hill too large for her to climb.

I love her thoughtfulness. She will go out of her way to accommodate.

I love her feistiness. Don’t mess with her family or friends, or else…

I love her acceptance. She never judges.

I love her fun personality. She finds enjoyment easily.

I love that she is happy. She deserves all the best.

I love that we are still friends. I don’t know what I’d do without her.

Happy 40th Birthday Connie!

Moving Forward

It’s part of my normal, daily routine. In fact, it is the most fun part of my normal, daily routine…the morning school carpool. I have written about it previously and described every child in detail. Oh, the joy that each little one brings to the mornings. What a unique and lively bunch!

Today as I was about to make a right turn into the parking lot, I noticed a car waiting to make a left turn to join the processional of cars that make up the drop-off line. I notice the type of car and think to myself, “that is the kind of car she drives.”  However, I’m not really positive it’s her. Regardless, I motion to her to proceed in front of me. She was grateful and gave me a courteous “thank you wave.”

As the kids are talking, I catch myself lost in another world…thinking about her. I am looking at her rearview and side mirrors to study her. I begrudgingly decide she is cute. I say a quick farewell to the kiddos and travel back into my thoughts. Her car takes the same route as mine for a while, until she makes a right turn. I stop at the sign, unable to turn because of traffic, and intently watch as her left signal blinks and she enters her driveway.

It is HER! It’s her that inhabits the house I dreamed about for nearly a decade. It’s been almost a year since the sale sent me into a depressive state. I loved that house and everything about it. But, today I tell myself…it just wasn’t meant to be and I move on.

 

 

Closing Time

“Closing Time” by Semisonic

“Closing time
Time for you to go out go out into the world.”

We were ready to venture into new territory.

What started as a financial decision quickly turned emotional.

So much time and many thoughtful decisions went into the build. We decided this home would be part of our children’s inheritance. We would create countless special memories together as a family and with friends, as would our girls with their families and friends someday. In our first year, the girls planted a tree that would grow with us throughout the coming years.

Fond memories we created, indeed. Many visits with family and friends, sleepovers, barbeques, parties at the pool, “house jumping” with neighbors, the Yankee Doodle parade, many beverages shared, a Christmas Day family gathering, several New Year’s Eve celebrations, the beach, the restaurants, runs along the main beach drag, the street parties, the shopping, the fire pit conversations, association meetings at the beautiful picnic table, fireplace fires, the games we played with the kids, the hours working on the landscaping, the time spent in relaxation, the life at our second home…

“So gather up your jackets, and move it to the exits
I hope you have found a friend.”

We found more than our share of friends and will always hold dear the time we spent together. We will return to visit, as we have been welcomed by all. Who knows when? The hectic schedule of our girls as they aged made it difficult to enjoy the property often enough.

At least we will no longer feel the pressure of leaving early on a Friday to avoid traffic and returning by noon on a Sunday to tend to our primary residence – the grass, the landscape, the inside chores – and preparing for the following work week and sometimes school week.

We will no longer feel like our money is not being used wisely in the absence of the monthly gas, electric, garbage/water/sewer, cable/internet/phone, assessment fees, and property taxes.

We know the amazing couple who will occupy our once second home will appreciate and enjoy the home as their primary residence. They will care for it like no other. And we have even gained another set of wonderful friends.

“Closing time
Time for you to go back to the places you will be from.”

Initially we made the decision to buy due to financial reasons, and for the same reason we have decided to part ways. We built the house to have equity in an investment that would never be worth “nothing” as we saw our mutual funds tank. And now we decided the monthly bills were in excess of the benefits we reaped since we could not spend enough time in our lovely home.

We will still have the ability to create amazing memories – just in different ways. For now, we feel fortunate to have had the opportunity and wish for many more memories to be created on our foundation. On our way home we go.

We knew today was going to be difficult. We have been waiting in anticipation with our emotions bouncing in every which direction. The decision didn’t come easy, but we know it was the right one, financially. We just wish our hearts were on the same page.

Today we close on the sale of our second home.

It doesn’t come without sadness and sorrow. But…time will heal and we will never forget.

Tomorrow will shed a different light and an array of other opportunities.

Bittersweet!

“Closing time
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”

 

Or Maybe I Do

I don’t know why.

It makes the morning madness more chaotic.

It puts us behind on our schedules.

It results in being less prepared.

It leaves the house a wreck.

I don’t know why.

It doesn’t allow for clear thinking.

It doesn’t allow for forgetfulness.

It doesn’t allow time for choices.

It doesn’t allow for patience.

I don’t know why.

It is warm and cozy.

Mondays are especially tough.

I get a few more minutes of snoozing.

I am treated to some extra snuggle time.

Hitting snooze…I KNOW WHY!

 

Remind Me Again

“What’s up Doc?” my mom often says as she answers the phone when I call. But…it never gets old.

 

It never gets old because…

It reminds me of the hard work and dedication I put forth to achieve my goal.

It reminds me of the example I set for my girls.

It reminds me of how much my girls learned by silently observing.

It reminds me that my parents tended to family obligations, skipping the thought of higher education for themselves.

It reminds me that even though my parents did not earn a degree, they impressed upon me the value of education.

It reminds me that I will never know what my parents gave up to ensure I had an education.

It reminds me that my mom was always so supportive, even when it wasn’t warranted.

It reminds me that my dad always pushed for more, it was never good enough.

It reminds me that I wouldn’t be who I am today without a good foundation.

It reminds me that my parents being proud of me is important to me and to them, even at my age.

It reminds me that if I provide a good foundation, my girls will hopefully flourish.

It reminds me that I “support” more like my dad, but I need to add more of my mom.

It reminds me that I don’t have to be a perfect mom (and God knows I’m not even close), but be loving and forgiving.

It reminds me that my girls are not clay to mold, but dough that will take it’s own shape.

It reminds me that I am damn lucky to have such an amazing family. We aren’t perfect, but boy are we blessed!

 

 

Rehab of the Dilapidated House

I have tried unlocking the door.
The keys do not work.

I have tried opening the windows.
They are painted shut.

I have tried turning on the lights.
The bulbs are burnt out.

I have tried making noise.
Nobody hears me.

I have tried crying.
The tears are silent.

I have tried.

 

I know there is a bright world beyond the door.

I know the open windows will allow me to feel.

I know the lights will provide the vision in need.

I know there are many people available to listen.

I know letting it out will help me release.

I will continue to try.

 

I have tried numerous keys and feel like the right one is next.

I have chipped at the paint and can feel a draft.

I have learned to make use of the daytime light.

I have been singing and the birds are responding.

I have been praying and He is listening.

There IS hope!